Well that was benign histiocytoma human awkward. the bloggess

So I went on stage, almost immediately said the f word multiple times. And then about halfway through my talk I felt a benign histiocytoma human panic attack rising up in my throat. My chest hurt and I couldn’t hear anything but my heartbeat and I was fighting benign histiocytoma human off the hyperventilation that comes next. I tried to slow my breathing and thought I’d play it off as a dramatic pause but I benign histiocytoma human couldn’t speak so the silence got longer and louder and benign histiocytoma human then I knew it was way too long and awkward benign histiocytoma human to go on. I didn’t even have the excuse that I’d forgotten my speech because it was right there in benign histiocytoma human my hands. I considered running off the stage but I knew I benign histiocytoma human would never go back on if I left so I benign histiocytoma human stayed there. I let it wash over me and focused on my benign histiocytoma human breathing and the deathly silence of the theater. And after what felt like hours but was probably less benign histiocytoma human than a minute I explained what was happening. And I started again. And I finished. And then I ran off the stage.

Right now the TEDx team is editing the video so benign histiocytoma human it should be public soon. I was told before that if I had a panic benign histiocytoma human attack or fucked up really badly they would edit that benign histiocytoma human out so I told myself that only the people in benign histiocytoma human that theater will have seen the worst, most terrifying moment I’ve ever had on stage, but now I almost wonder if it wouldn’t be better left in. I don’t know how they’ll edit it but I’m okay with either way. There is something freeing about having your worst possible nightmare benign histiocytoma human come true on stage….about knowing that you can survive it. About knowing that people are so much kinder than you benign histiocytoma human imagine. That most people are on your side even when your benign histiocytoma human own head is not.

So proud of you that I feel I have a benign histiocytoma human similar story to help relate that were are all our benign histiocytoma human own special crazy. Backstory: So I have OCD, also I have Post Concussion Syndrome. So I forget things as quickly as Dory sometimes. Now my biggest OCD fear is (as I struggle to even type the word) Feces. I can not impress upon you enough how my mind benign histiocytoma human creates absurd scenarios, that I might somehow touch something after someone didn’t wash their hands. My children, husband, friends anyone, can Not use my toilet. It’s sad.

So my middle child is 14 and has been having benign histiocytoma human enough issues that she was referred to a GI specialist. We go in they do their exam and meet us benign histiocytoma human and step out. Then 15 minutes later another nurse walks in with some benign histiocytoma human papers and proceeds to give us instructions. So I smile and try my best to pay attention benign histiocytoma human so I can remember. Though my kids help me out with the memory thing, I’m the parent right? So I do try to retain important things such as benign histiocytoma human medical advise and procedures for my kids.

At first the nurse started with “Okay if you need a school note get that as benign histiocytoma human you head out. Now you will need to bring back a feces sample benign histiocytoma human wajdh sjfn ndkir…” Yeah at that point I lost all focus. My daughter said my face dropped and I almost passed benign histiocytoma human out. The whole time the nurse is continuing on about labs benign histiocytoma human here and next something. I DONT KNOW.

I honestly don’t recall much else from that day. We went somewhere and had labs and I drove in benign histiocytoma human a bit of an out of body experience. Thinking how in all that is holy am I going benign histiocytoma human to ever be able to not only carry her sample benign histiocytoma human but Drive it 20 miles to the doctors office. It’s in fathomable for me. Do I bring it in a gift bag and pretend benign histiocytoma human that it isn’t. I’m distracted at the thought of it, how is the act going to happen.

That was 5 days ago. I had it worked out that this would happen over benign histiocytoma human the weekend at her dads house and he would take benign histiocytoma human it in. Let’s be honest, My Ex, His wife, My husband, EVERYONE KNOWS, I’m more likely to wreck crying trying to drive and benign histiocytoma human do it then actually make it. Then Monday there is a storm… kids are out of snow due to school with a benign histiocytoma human 2 hour delay today. So my baby girl came out we Sunday night. Apparently not doing her, let’s say homework from the doctors at her dads. So she comes to me in the kitchen and I benign histiocytoma human find it odd that she needed to prep me for benign histiocytoma human a conversation.

I have social anxiety and agoraphobia, but I’m old enough that they didn’t have fancy words to explain why I freaked out benign histiocytoma human in large crowds or when there was too much going benign histiocytoma human how I would retreat into my head. I would just cheerfully say, “I’m an introvert. I don’t do crowds!” and laugh it off whenever I was invited to parties benign histiocytoma human where there would be people I didn’t know or other noisy crowded events. I also suffer from claustrophobia, which for some strange reason wasn’t as embarrassing to admit, and made a convenient excuse for avoiding overcrowded places.

As I got older, it got worse. Then my brother was diagnosed clinical depression and, despite knowing that mental illness ran in families, I still believed that I was just a strongly introverted benign histiocytoma human person who preferred to be alone or in small groups benign histiocytoma human of people. But then suddenly there was more awareness and information on benign histiocytoma human the internet about mental illness and with so many people benign histiocytoma human sharing on social media, I began to see my own struggles reflected in the benign histiocytoma human words of strangers. I was no longer the only freak that didn’t want to go out in public places or that benign histiocytoma human ended up in brain fog – shut down and unable to follow a single train of benign histiocytoma human thought or speak a complete sentence – when I did.

I tried medications at one point, but they made me feel numb, which I liked less than the anxiety. These days I manage my anxiety by avoiding the worst benign histiocytoma human triggers (big noisy crowds) and have gotten pretty good at talking myself out of benign histiocytoma human mild panic attacks at the thought of going to an benign histiocytoma human unfamiliar place or meeting new people. Most people don’t even know I have social anxiety. For one thing, I’ve gotten good at pretending I am okay when I benign histiocytoma human first meet new people. Usually by the time they get to know me well benign histiocytoma human enough they might notice my anxiety, I know them well enough that I am no longer benign histiocytoma human anxious around them. I’m probably what they would refer to as “high functioning,” but I do know that I passed up many opportunities benign histiocytoma human and gave up on my ambitions due to my anxiety. I often wonder what my life would be like if benign histiocytoma human I was not handicapped by it. But I have found fulfillment and contentment in the things benign histiocytoma human I can do, and do well, so I don’t let it get me down for too long.

I have been to more boring presentations than is good benign histiocytoma human for my health. Not many have been memorable. One was different. The MD (CEO to you who speak American) was ill, he asked his production manager to read his carefully scripted benign histiocytoma human address on how the production lines in his plant had benign histiocytoma human been modernised, he could not face it and sent the production line benign histiocytoma human supervisor instead with less than a hour’s notice. But did not pass on the script. The result was sheer magic. We heard it all, especially the bits that would normally by glossed over. We heard it from the guy who knew, was there and dealt with it every day. When he started he tried to be ‘posh’ and he used the wrong words, but when he was talking at full flow he forgot benign histiocytoma human all of that and just swore like he would on benign histiocytoma human the factory floor. He got a standing ovation too, and still does not know why. That’s the secret to good public speaking. Talk about what you know (or know what your talking about), don’t dress it up as if you were somebody else, and tell it like it is.

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